2000
Attack of the "Killer Aggressive House Spiders" at Canoe U.
by Bob "Bobzilla" Winston
There I was, insect netting strung from floor to ceiling to ward off any roving mid-saint-croixian skeeter buzzaruptous. But blasphemy still reigned supreme when the so-called "Aggressive House Spider" found a weakness in my shields laid out at maximum strength and crept through the stealth of night to wreak havoc upon my lily-white thigh regions. The horror....the horror...as bite after bite landed, like a misguided launch of cruise missiles upon a defenseless Third World Nation of matted leg hair. Its venom injected at will and with maximum effect, the satiated spider skulked back behind its well-laid-out lines to its base for a cup of road kill tea. I suppose the rogue was doing the only thing it could, having its lair napalmed from a controlled-burn at the entrance to St. Croix Park. YES, spiders watch CNN too. So upon the first hint of posting of this conflagration by the Park Service, it probably took off with its brood to the promised land of the "Office" cabin, where it could set its extended family at work fashioning new early warning webs. And there I was, an innocent, one turn of my Haagen Dazs pocked mark behind on the already-tensioned springs of the circa Depression Era Work Force mattress, sending out sympathetic vibrations to Spider DEFCOM1. But never fear, I was in the hands of a multitude of Emergency Wilderness Trained technicians. Or maybe, this is where my fear should have evolved into true, unmitigated TERROR!
As night descended, my knee took on the guise of an inflated grapefruit, un-rotated by the local discount supermarket staff. But like I said, I had EXPERT help looking after me. From one Wilderness EMT: "Did you sprain it ‘er sumthin’?" From another - "Maybe you need Benadryl, no, maybe Ibuprofen, no maybe Benadryl, THEN Ibuprofen. Then again..." It was time to call in an expert, real life M.D. (Notice I don’t use names in this dissertation — people are still studying for their qualifications and I don’t want to prejudice their future careers!!!) The M.D. starts prodding the site and asks the always pragmatic - "Does this hurt?" "No." "Does this hurt?" "No." "Well, I don’t know what the hell it is!"
Yes, people, I was in good hands that evening. Needless, to say, I finally made it off the river without anymore incidents of substance befalling me and the K1 Beginning group. After an 18 hour flight, on Cassidy’s Airways, I was back in Minneapolis, the swelling having magically disappeared. As I write this to you, a bevy of female deer tick nymphs perch upon my shouders and act as my spell checkers. I want to bring up more upcoming events that may interest you in the sphere of Rapids Rider influence. (Sorry, that’s Rapids with an "S." This is the only way I’ve known it since my surrogate mentor, Kevin Wehrmann placed me on his bony knee and handed down a fiberglass war club whilst introducing me into the clan of the Wave Bears many shuttles ago.)
